


Wounded Hearts and Bloody Sheets

by Measured_Words



Category: Diablotin
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Blood, Body Modification, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Love Confessions, Lovecraftian, M/M, Miscommunication, Nightmares, Scarification, Shadar-Kai, vow of silence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-12-30 21:25:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18322280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Measured_Words/pseuds/Measured_Words
Summary: Something has gone very wrong between them since Irrez and B'razvi had sex, and Irrez is bracing himself for the worst and trying to give B'razvi all the space he needs.  It isn't helping.





	Wounded Hearts and Bloody Sheets

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Longpig](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Longpig/gifts), [Nary](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nary/gifts).
  * Inspired by [In Your Hands](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17758610) by [Measured_Words](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Measured_Words/pseuds/Measured_Words). 



Irrez had been in a sour mood when he'd gone to bed, slipping in beside B'razvi after spending far too long in his lab pretending to be focused on his work.  
Waking from a nightmare to find himself alone sent him into a blind panic, stumbling from the room and screaming B'razvi's name.

He wasn't far away, and sprung up from his meditation with a look of alarm. It took Irrez a moment to recognize what he was seeing, but as the terror receded he began to remember how things stood between them. As B'razvi stepped towards hm, he stumbled, catching himself in the doorframe. B'razvi hesitated frowning in…concern? Annoyance? Whichever it was, he set it aside, sliding up to Irrez and helping him back to the bed.

"I'll be fine." He drew back to give B'razvi space. "I didn't mean to disturb you."

Brazvi nodded, his expression still unreadable, and made the gesture they'd developed to signal a war nightmare. They both still had them from time to time, and not having to suffer through them alone had been one of the comforts of their previous arrangement. But this wasn't that, and things between them had not been the same in the past few days. 

Irrez shook his head, but when he closed his eyes he saw images of a certain village in Psyra he'd sent to meet a fate worse than death during that time. And the face of a foolish human who'd attacked their shop only days before. He flicked them open, feeling his pulse racing again, but B'razvi was still there. He hadn't moved. He made the sign for the nightmares that Irrez had more rarely: dreams sent from the Merchant. Specific details rarely stuck in his memory, only a pervasive feeling of dread, and horror that his waking mind could not process. 

Irrez nodded. B'razvi inched closer, reaching up slowly to cup the back of his neck, rubbing tentatively at the tension.

"You don't have to do that." He had no reason to feel obliged, certainly – Irrez had deeply betrayed his trust only days before.

B'razvi stopped, but didn't move his hand. He tilted Irrez's head instead, until they faced each other. 

"I – he… He asked after you." Irrez hadn't meant to say it, but fear and shame were still poisoning his thoughts. He never remembered specifics of the conversations. He just woke in cold sweats with deals made, and new knowledge. The Merchant hadn't asked about B'razvi though. He'd asked for him. If Irrez was finished with him. Irrez hadn’t known, when he woke, how he'd answered, or what else may have been said.

B'razvi took his hand back, pulling it to his own chest.

"I would never." He couldn't conceive of it, even now, though he couldn't forget that horrifying moment of doubt. He still felt ill – panic and fear had not completely receded. "I was afraid for you. But everything is fine."

At that, B'razvi frowned. He pushed Irrez down on the bed, and crossed his arms, scowling down at him. Everything was not fine.

There was no sense in trying to fight him, so Irrez scowled back instead. "Everything is just as it has been, then. I... I should not have taken advantage of you." He hadn't thought he had been at he time. He'd been clear about the effects of the potion he'd offered, given B'razvi plenty of other choices. He could have decided not to take it, knowing it how it might make him feel, and he could have asked Irrez to leave it he hadn't wanted things to turn sexual. But it didn't matter what Irrez thought – Brazvi had been distant and sulky every since, clearly feeling differently about the encounter. Irrez had hoped it might be an exercise in trust and respect, and instead it had blown up and broken what they'd been building together for the past several years.

He'd been trying to give B'razvi space, bracing himself for the inevitable final separation, worrying that B'razvi felt trapped with him, and trying to show that they could both get on fine without the other. It was hard, especially while B'razvi lingered, close but not as close as before. Irrez could have pushed him away harder, but then he'd be gone. At the moment B'razvi was still sitting above him, and it was hard for Irrez to find somewhere else comfortable to rest his gaze. The things he saw when he closed his eyes were still too unsettling to process, so that was no help either. 

B'razvi's look had softened when Irrez glanced back up at him. He reached out slowly and stroked Irrez's cheek, then raised his hand again and rested it over his heart, but his expression was still sad.

"Yes. I know. I hurt you. I am… not proud of that."

Brazvi nodded slowly, frowning.

"I don't know what you want, B'razvi. I know how you feel about sex, so – I don't understand why you are here." His throat was so tight he had difficulty speaking. The idea of B'razvi leaving was worse now, and the tension of bracing for the worst felt like it might snap him in half.

But B'razvi reached out to him this time, placing his hand over Irrez's heart, inclining his head. His dark grey eyes were shining.

"Yes." The word was terse, barely more than a breath. He shouldn't be surprised that B'razvi would question his affection at this stage.

What was surprising was when B'razvi laid down beside him and wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight. It didn't feel like a farewell, but then what? If only he dared just melt into that embrace like nothing was wrong, but fear carried his tension. "I don't understand."

But B'razvi just hugged him tighter, holding Irrez's head against his shoulder, and stroking his hair. It felt so good, after days with only unavoidable casual contact…tentatively he slipped his arms around B'razvi's waist, but he didn't dare give into relief just yet. "But… I took advantage of you."

Now B'razvi pulled back a little, propping himself up on one elbow. He pursed his lips, and shook his head.

"No?" 

He shook his head again.

"But I hurt you…" That was undeniable, the way he'd been acting, and B'razvi nodded at the assertion. "But it wasn't the sex?" Then what?

It was B'razvi's turn to look tentative now, and he took a deep breath before carefully touching the scar on Irrez's chest. He withdrew his hand quickly and pursed his lips nervously.

"Because I wouldn't mark you?" He'd thought he explained that at the time…but maybe it had been clearer to him than to B'razvi. "Did you think…I didn't care for you? Because I didn't want it then?"

B'razvi gave a little shrug, then drew Irrez's hand back to his heart.

They'd known each other so long that Irrez was pretty good at interpreting B'razvi's meaning, but he wanted to be certain, if things had gone so awry before, that everything was clear now. "You weren't sure?"

B'razvi nodded.

"But I told you why…"

And now he frowned.

"I didn't?"

The frown deepened, but Irrez was sure he had, so there was something else to it. He tried to remember what he'd said, exactly, and winced. He had called B'razvi an idiot, which couldn't have helped.

"Should I try again?" It had been important to him, at the time, and he didn't think he'd been wrong, but maybe it didn't matter. The crushing weight of the past few days was starting to lift.

After a moment, B'razvi nodded, but despite how clear it felt, Irrez still had trouble putting his reasons into words.

"You were drugged, ill, already doing things that were not usual for you. I would have marked you long before that, if I had known it was something you wanted and… I – I didn't want to sex to be why that happened. I didn't want you to think that was why I would do it, or to think that is what you are to me. I didn't want it to have anything to do with fucking, but only because… I love you."

He hadn't planned for the effect the words had on B'razvi, but he found himself once more gathered up and held close, pulled into sitting, and this time returning the embrace fully. It didn’t last as long as he'd hoped though – there was still more, but it didn't feel so insurmountable.

B'razvi kept hold of his hands, and it was thoughtfulness and affection that Irrez read from him most easily. There were times when B'razvi's silence definitely made things more frustrating – they usually managed fine, but sometimes the systems they'd worked out to communicate lacked nuance. Irrez was not a mind reader, but he was prepared to be patient now until B'razvi worked out what he wanted to convey and how. This was signalled by B'razvi squeezing his hands, letting them go, then gesturing expansively to himself before spreading his palms back out to Irrez.

"You gave all of yourself to me." 

Irrez waited until B'razvi nodded, but he was cut off when he opened his mouth to respond to the thought with a sharp frown, and B'razvi reaching up to cover his mouth to silence him. Once he seemed satisfied that Irrez understood to keep his thoughts to himself for now, he continued, repeating the gesture. He followed it by taking Irrez's hands again, curling them together, and pressing them against Irrez's chest, over his heart, and looking expectant.

Irrez took a breath. He still wanted to respond, but B'razvi might have more to say. "I took care of you." This assessment was met with a huff and a little shrug – maybe he'd understated it then. But B'razvi followed with a sweeping gesture, as if gathering something up, and brought his hands to his own heart, his look imploring. Finally, he touched one hand first to the mark on Irrez's chest, then on his thigh, and finally gave a quick caress to the jewellery in his ear. "I understand." And he did. All that had mattered very much to B'razvi. "But-"

But B'razvi was pointing an accusing finger in his face now, and all his recovered peace felt much more fragile; the situation as uncertain as ever. B'razvi frowned, his frustration clear, jabbing his hand at Irrez, then pushing away at the air, and then back to himself. He repeated this several times, hammering home the point, the hurt clear on his face.

"That's not what I meant." 

B'razvi pursed his lips, the reached up and flicked him in the tip of the ear. He'd probably deserved it, but it still hurt.

"I get it. I'm sorry. I thought… you needed space." I retrospect, he could see how foolish it seemed. B'razvi was not the sort to need space. Give him the opportunity he would shadow Irrez like glue much of the time, barely giving him an arm's length of personal space. It was simultaneously annoying and endearing – more the latter as he somehow managed it without actually getting in the way, and had developed a sense of when Irrez needed more distance.

B'razvi nodded, smiling tentatively. When he opened his arms, Irrez took the offered reconciliation. Eventually, B'razvi tilted his chin to they could look each other in the eye, and tapped him on the chest again, over his scar.

"Now?"

B'razvi set his jaw.

Irrez could have argued that he didn't want the association with this argument, either, but after everything they'd just been through, the risk didn't seem worth it – and maybe there was a perspective here worth remembering. Maybe, given his nightmare, the time to lay their claims should come sooner, rather than later, also, though he tried to set that thought aside. "…Alright."

He had been thinking about it before he'd realized that he'd upset B'razvi, and had even brought the necessary implements into their bedroom days before. He had most of the tools he needed from his work, or ones that could be improvised. His previous marks were scars, but he'd gathered tattooing needles and ink in addition to some small knives. He suspected B'razvi had never done this before for anyone, and wanted him to have a choice. He laid them out between them on the bed for his consideration, watching him pick up the various tools to examine them. The inks were ones he'd made himself, including some coloured ones, and the scar-sealing paste was his own as well. He made it with a mild numbing effect, on top of the usual things to help the scars set well and encourage healing. "Do you want to go first?"

B'razvi considered, and nodded, gesturing invitingly to the tools. But Irrez had given this a lot of thought, and for longer than just the past few days. He picked up a thin bladed knife, good for fine detail work. "I would have done this long ago," he said quietly. He knew what the mark would be and where, building off a scar B'razvi had received during the war just below his shoulder. The curve of it had always reminded him of part of his guild signature, and while he would never use that for such an intimate purpose, he'd designed that mark too, and it was easy to repurpose into something differently personal. 

B'razvi took one deep breath before Irrez started cutting, and was then still, watching with focused intensity while Irrez worked. He didn't so much as flinch as Irrez laid in the design, black blood welling against his pewter skin as the skin was pared away. When it was finished, he released his breath and ran his fingers over it in wonder, wincing and smiling both.

"If you like it, I can seal it."

B'razvi nodded, reaching up to touch Irrez's face and leaving a bloody mark of his own. He watched again as Irrez applied the paste, touching that as well. It didn't take long to dry, and while it did, he examined the other tools again. He seemed uncertain, and Irrez was more convinced than ever that he hadn't done this before. His eyes flashed to a bottle of green ink, but he frowned at the tattooing needles.

"The knives are the simplest."

B'razvi shrugged, pointing at the green bottle and gesturing helplessly. He patted the drying patch of paste covering his shoulder affectionately, and then picked up a knife and looked at him despairingly until Irrez put a hand on his knee.

"You can't do it wrong. I want your mark, whatever that is."

This was met by a challenging smirk, but he could still sense the concern behind it.

"I'll take my chances." He might deserve it if B'razvi decided to carve 'asshole' into his chest, anyway. "And the ink will usually take in a thin line, though the scar won't raise as much. You can mix some into the paste as well, that will help."

B'razvi nodded more confidently, and gestured at him to lay down. He pursed his lips in concentration, adjusting his grip on the slim blade before lowering it over Irrez's chest. It didn't take long to carve the design, a simplified heart pierced with a shaft. His grip was steady, the cuts were good – deep but not too deep – and the pain was bearable. The ink, which B'razvi rubbed in with a finger, tracing the fresh cuts gently, stung more. It would darken as it healed, enough to be visible against the lighter grey. B'razvi did as Irrez had recommended, mixing more colour in to the paste before applying it, which made it sting all the more despite the analgesic, and Irrez hissed in what was only mostly pain. B'razvi looked down in concern, but the only response he had was to pull him down on the bed to lie with him, letting the ink fall to stain the sheets alongside smears of their blood. 

"It's perfect." 

The sheets would clean, like their hearts and bodies would heal from where they'd hurt each other. They'd shared pain with their love, and were stronger for it. They lay together the rest of the night, and it was reassuring to have B'razvi so close, and to know that their claims on each other ran so deep and complete.


End file.
